Modern meaning of "I Love You"

An overview of modern conception of love

When we hear the phrase “I love you,” do we think of a deep emotional connection, or simply an emotion marked by strong feelings?

Definitely, this phrase could trigger a million expressions in different contexts. Many people cannot define love without using words such as emotions and feelings. This is because feelings and emotions are generally regarded as signs of being “in love.” However, feelings and emotions are transient; they always change with time. For this very reason, they cannot be fully relied upon. These genuine attempts to describe love - which, in reality, are attempts to express an inner state of being - stem from upbringing, imitation, and what is generally accepted and understood among people.

Examining this expression more critically, and considering its general usage, it often conveys meanings such as “I am pleased with you,” “I find satisfaction in you,” or “I find contentment in you.” Naturally, such sentiments are frequently followed by an instinctive desire to remain close to the person. Over time, this instinct may evolve into a perceived need to possess - to integrate the other person into one’s life. This desire reflects a longing for mutual belonging, and ultimately, it can give rise to a sense of ownership.

It may seem reasonable that when two people profess their love for one another, they ought to be together. This desire to possess is often expressed covertly, indirectly, or even unconsciously. At its core, the underlying sentiment is: “I do not want to share you with anyone else, and therefore I must do everything within my power to keep you to myself.”

When you reflect on this, you may come to realize that when most people say “I love you,” what they are truly expressing is: “I seek the fulfilment of my desires and happiness in you.” In other words, you make my wishes come true. Within this lies the condition that must be met in order to sustain the so‑called “loving” relationship. At this point, the transactional nature of the relationship begins to emerge.

Before long, expectations are recorded, performances are evaluated, and resentment builds. One or both persons may feel unfairly treated and accuse the other of not doing enough. Words are spoken that cannot be retracted. Reconciliations may occur, but the unspoken tally of grievances remains. At the heart of this dynamic lies the hidden desire to satisfy one another’s self‑interest. These interests often include the need to feel seen and valued, to experience emotional or physical intimacy, to alleviate loneliness, boredom, or fear, and to achieve a sense of stability or validation.

Implications of this misconception

Now you might ask: “What is wrong with any of these interests?”

These interests or desires originate within the individual, yet each person seeks their fulfilment externally. In other words, a physical solution is pursued as the remedy for a non‑physical issue. The non‑physical issue is a state of mind mistaken for love, while the physical solution is embodied in the beloved. These internal desires seek external validation through another person. Each person expresses love with an ulterior motive.

This turns a state of mind into a physical transaction, with the 'beloved' becoming a mere object of affection. Every partner enters the relationship with their own, often unconscious, agenda. Inevitably, this leads to conflict when individual desires clash - whether for attention, control, or independence. For example, one partner's need for closeness may collide with another's need for space, or one's fear of change may confront another's drive for growth. This exposes an individualism that cannot be suppressed forever, and it is this unaddressed individualism that will ultimately clash with the person they think they love.

The modern concept of love can be traced back to childhood upbringing. From an early age, children are showered with gifts from their parents as a demonstration of affection. Parents often mark meaningful milestones and celebrations in their child’s life with presents. As a result, the child grows up believing this is the norm, and any deviation from it is met with disapproval. Over time, the idea that one is entitled to something from a person who claims to love them becomes ingrained. This idea of love is increasingly measured by external tokens, a custom that carries into adulthood and has become deeply prevalent in modern society.

This misconception of what love truly is, is also evident in the family setting. Family members often profess their love for one another, making claims such as “blood is thicker than water” and “family is everything.” Yet, when you observe these groups closely, you often find individuals who are unhappy - because someone did not call them on their birthday, someone failed to provide financial assistance when asked, someone was excluded from a family will, someone resents another for being the favourite, or someone feels deprived of what they believe they are entitled to. This entitlement or disappointment builds as people grow to expect things from loved ones.

There is always an element of dissatisfaction when external expectations are not met. The love they profess is conditional, dependent on external factors being fulfilled. This is why it is not uncommon for family members to initiate legal proceedings when they feel property has not been fairly distributed. In extreme cases, some even go as far as taking each other’s lives.

What is true love?

At this point, you might be wondering: “What does it mean to truly love?” or “What is love?” True love is concerned solely with the welfare of the other, regardless of whether that person stays, departs, or reciprocates. It does not seek to possess. True love is unconditional; no ultimatums are issued and no expectations are imposed. Scores are not kept, and gratitude is not demanded. Every action is guided by fairness toward the other, free from self‑interest. True love adheres to the principles of justice and reason.

Moreover, true love does not seek to idolize, pedestalize, or gain favour, nor does it take race, creed, physical qualities, or social and economic standing into account. It is impartial, just, and equitable in all its dealings. It is neither subjective nor biased, and it is never demanding.

When a relationship built on the assumption of love reaches a crossroads, it often collapses, for it was never genuine love that brought them together in the first place. Evidence of this is seen when such relationships end: they are frequently marked by allegations, disappointments, accusations, and bitter, hostile conflicts. Words are spoken publicly to cast the other person in a negative light, and in some cases, one partner may go so far as to attempt to destroy the other’s life entirely.

This raises a troubling question: how can two people who once professed love for each other come to harbour such extreme dislike? The answer lies in the prevailing concept of love today. Too often, emotions are mistaken for love, and when those emotions inevitably fade, the transactional nature of the bond is exposed, replaced by a harsh reality.

The key difference between true love and what is commonly referred to as “love” is that true love expects nothing in return - it is selfless - whereas the latter always operates on the expectation of reciprocity and is therefore selfish.

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